


Pre-Emptive Strike

by Ononymous



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: April Fools' Day, Gen, Post-Undertale Pacifist Route
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-01
Updated: 2018-04-01
Packaged: 2019-04-16 16:14:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14168679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ononymous/pseuds/Ononymous
Summary: Sans' favourite day of the year is coming up, and as a result is one of Papyrus' least favourite days. Learning this, Toriel gives him a suggestion to help him get through it...





	Pre-Emptive Strike

Papyrus was glad for a break from his troubles, especially when that break had been put in jeapordy. His worries left him unable to focus on any solitary activity, and Undyne going out with Alphys on a whim to celebrate their seventy-eight-and-five-sevenths week anniversary threatened a total envelopment. Mercifully, a chance encounter rescued him from this terrible fate, and he had a cooking lesson after all.

"Now then, have you finished peeling the potatoes?"

"YES, YOUR MAJESTY."

Toriel looked into the unexpectedly empty pot containing half a dozen starchy marbles, and then over at the replica of Mount Ebott comprised of skins poking out from the top of the wastebin. "They... are rather small, Papyrus. Are you sure you did not overdo it?"

"BUT THERE'S NOT A TRACE OF SKIN ON ANY OF THEM. IT'S IMPORTANT TO MAKE SURE. UNDYNE TAUGHT ME THAT!"

Her fangs were swallowed up by her mouth pursing as the reminder of the culinary schism that existed sat innocently in the pot. But well practiced patience won out and her usual smile returned. "Very well, you have been most thorough, that is good. So, let us boil them."

The jug of water she prepared for the occasion went largely unused, since it had been based on the assumption that a much larger portion of potato would be boiled than was actually available. With his usual display of overenthusiastic precision, the pot was placed precisely within the circle marked on the black surface of the stove, and the dial was turned to six.

"Oh, perhaps it should only be five, dear. If the water boils away too quickly you risk burning them. Or, um, should it be four...?"

"YOU AREN'T SURE?"

She chuckled a little from embarrassment. "Well, I suppose that would be my greatest weakness when it comes to cooking. My fire magic is most useful for it, but I am rather inexperienced with operating these appliances as a result. It is best we play it safe, please set it to four."

"YES, YOUR MAJESTY!"

"And I have told you before, you do not need to call me that."

"BUT IT WOULD BE RUDE!"

Toriel had that curious look on her face she got whenever this topic was raised. Papyrus still didn't understand. Her holiday had certainly been a long one, but she had returned, hadn't she? And after the barrier broke she and the King had taken the steps to contact the humans. It was funny, he had a similar conversation with Asgore every now and then, and every time it ended as the current ebb ended. Both of them smiled while drumming their fingers, and then continued as if the disagreement never happened. Obviously they were grateful that Papyrus always insisted on manners.

"Alright. Now the potatoes should not take long, even on the lower temperature setting, so we must prepare the roast beef quickly. You purchased the seasonings I recommended?"

"AND MORE, JUST IN CASE! THE CHILLI POWDER IN PARTICULAR-"

"Is an acquired taste," she interrupted, "unless you know everyone at the meal wishes to eat it, we should follow the recipe as written down."

"AH, THAT MAKES SENSE. I WOULDN'T WANT TO OVERWHELM THEM WITH MY CREATIVITY."

Toriel nodded earnestly. "Indeed. So, take these herbs and add a few pinches into this bowl."

Despite the setback of 'a few pinches' becoming 'the whole bottle out of excitement', the damage was easily rectified, and soon a pleasant blend of seasoning was gently spread over the succulent looking joint of beef, and the pre-heated oven quickly had an occupant.

"Ah, the potatoes should be ready for mashing while the beef cooks. Can you smell how the herbs bring out the savoury flavour of the meat? I must say we have _thymed_ this well!"

Papyrus barely heard her giggles as he was reminded of what he wasn't looking forward to. Instead he focused on the light click-clack sound his body made as he sat down on a kitchen chair. And as he dwelled on it, he missed Toriel speaking to him again.

"Papyrus?! The potatoes!"

"NYAH!"

Totally distracted he leapt to his feet, while at the same time the steam-laden pot shimmered blue as it zoomed off the stove, missing Toriel's outstretched furry hand by an inch. It bounced off a cupboard door and then made a beeline for the sink. A splash of boiling water made a break for freedom, but fortunately passed through Papyrus' radius and ulna without making contact. Meanwhile the pot tipped over into the drainer, separating the now even tinier solid contents from their bath.

"Good gracious! Are you hurt?"

"NO, I'M FINE."

"That is a relief." Her expression didn't agree. "What is the matter, Papyrus? You were distracted for some reason."

"IT..." it felt like treason to criticise her, but honesty was a virtue. "IT WAS YOUR PUN."

She clutched her muzzle in sorrow. "Oh no, I'm sorry, I forgot they can irritate you, it was wrong of me-"

"OH NO, NOT AT ALL! IT WAS WELL EXECUTED AND APPROPRIATE GIVEN THE CONTEXT! BUT IT REMINDED ME OF WHAT WILL HAPPEN THIS SUNDAY, AND THAT TROUBLED ME."

"Sunday? What-" her eyes suddenly widened in understanding. "Ah. Of course. April Fools."

"YES!" he cried. "AND MY BROTHER SHALL BE INTOLERABLE! NOW I NORMALLY DON'T MIND, HIS WORDPLAY IS SOMETHING HE TAKES GREAT JOY IN, AND SOMETIMES I THINK HE DOESN'T HAVE MANY THINGS TO TAKE JOY IN, AND HE IS ALWAYS MORE UPBEAT AFTER YOU AND THE HUMAN HAVE VISITED AND SWAPPED JOKES. BUT A SKELETON HAS HIS LIMITS, YOUR HIGHNESS! SUNDAY WILL BE NOTHING BUT AN ANATOMY LESSON AS MY BRAIN IS STRUCK WITH THE NAME OF EVERY BONE KNOWN TO MONSTER. AND EVEN IF I EVADE HIS VERBAL ASSAULT, THEN I WILL NO DOUBT BE TRICKED INTO PRODUCING A RUDE NOISE BY SOME MEANS! I MEAN, I'M DELIGHTED HE ENJOYS THE DAY, BUT..." his ribcage expanded in a sigh. "IT'S A VERY WEARISOME DAY FOR ME."

His burden fully revealed, Papyrus sat back down on the chair. Toriel regarded him thoughtfully, tapping her horn as her eyes darted this way and that.

"There is a saying, Papyrus."

"IS IT 'A WATCHED KETTLE NEVER BOILS'? BECAUSE I DISPROVED THAT WITH UNDYNE LAST WEEK-"

"No no, nothing to do with cooking. 'If you cannot beat them... then join them.'"

"JOIN THEM?"

"Well... if the day is so frustrating... hee hee..." Her eyes were twinkling with mischief. "the best way to vent that frustration might be to play your own joke on him."

A hollow knocking sound filled the room as Papyrus tapped his skull.

"PLAY A JOKE ON SANS? BUT I TRIED THAT WHEN WE WERE CHILDREN, HE ALWAYS CAUGHT ON AND AVOIDED IT."

"Well... I can assist you, if you like." The twinkle had spread to the broad grin she now bore. Papyrus' own grin matched it.

"A ROYAL SANCTION TO PRANK MY BROTHER?! I CAN'T REFUSE THAT! I ACCEPT YOUR OFFER OF HELP."

The slightest edge of wickedness played around her smile. "Wonderful. Now, I believe the first thing we should do- Oh, the roast!"

"NYAH!"

* * *

The quiet snores were suddenly drowned out by the shrill alarm blaring yet again. A bony hand shot out from the blanket in a smooth motion and firmly pressed the snooze button, but the alarm kept screeching. With a groan, Sans grabbed the alarm and switched it off. He was gonna have to modify it again, fourteen snoozes just weren't enough. Welp, it was the big day anyway. There had been a time it felt like it came round way too often, but it had been so long since the last one he felt like he could actually enjoy it. And surely Pap could get into the spirit of things. He always smiled, right? He couldn't have hated it that much.

The grey slippers were probably a better choice. Lull his targets into a false sense of security. The pink slippers might have implied he wasn't taking this seriously, which of course he was. Yanking his cleanest hoodie from the whirlwind, he checked his handsome mug in the mirror. Yup, the face a human would get unnerved by because of some association with mortality. That was weird. Not the point though, it was time to head out the door and-

"huh. quiet."

Papyrus must be having a lie in. Wasn't like him, but Sans liked to think his careful advice to not work so hard, or at all, was beginning to sink in and maybe his brother would learn the value of napping. How else could he get the energy for the main evening sleep? Well, it was bad manners to wake a napper, so maybe some breakfast was in order. Or lunch might be more accurate. He wasn't dressed for brunch in any case.

The spotless kitchen was indifferent to Sans' entrance as he shuffled over to the fridge. Taking out the ketchup he'd started the evening before, he raised to his teeth and waited for the tangy sauce to start flowing. Instead there was a puff of tomato-scented air.

"did that midnight snack habit _ketchup_ with me? oh well."

Throwing the empty bottle into recycling, he took out the other bottle, broke the seal and squeezed hard. Another puff of air was his reward.

"shoulda known this stuff was too cheap."

With his supply of chilled sauce mysteriously exhausted, Sans didn't panic. Instead he shuffled over to the cupboard where the majority of his bulk-order was stored. He took out the nearest bottle, opened it, and felt a little relief at the flavour that flooded his mandible.

The relief faded as the unfamiliar ticking noise caught his attention.

Looking back into the cupboard, he noticed a mechanism of some sort which the ketchup bottle had concealed. And from the mechanism a series of wires led to an unknown device which looked like it was powering up.

"i know the real estate guy boasted about what you could store here, but this is ridic-"

_BANG._

Sans' eyes didn't close in surprise at what happened, mainly because they couldn't. Not that he didn't feel the impact on his face as the device discharged something. With the kind of stoicism only the laziest could ever muster, he righted himself and brought his hand to his skull. What came away from the contact was green. As was his t-shirt, though it had been white ten seconds earlier.

"heh, well that was _paint_ ful. better clean up."

He supposed he should be wondering what the heck just happened and why this was all going on. But once you get your morning sauce your ability to cope with the unexpected can become surprisingly resilient. So Sans walked over to the cupboard under the sink, took out a drying cloth while eyeing the canine-themed shrine at the back of it, then ran the tap. The cold water splashed in his face was refreshing, making him feel more awake and ready to start the day. He didn't like it. Rubbing his face with the cloth, he turned to the glass in the window to see if he got rid of the green. He had, but...

"hold up, i'm not a coward, bravery's just too much effort. what's with the yellow?"

The sink looked perfectly normal, so that left only the cloth as a suspect. And a dry corner of it was smothered in a yellow powder, which the damp areas had now transformed into a paste.

"hmm. i gotta _sink_ ing feelin' about all this..."

His curiosity and downright concern was finally overpowering his astronomical determination not to care. What if Papyrus had encountered these booby traps? Not bothering to clean up again, he instead began to methodically conduct a search of every nook and cranny in the kitchen. Three more acts of sabotage came to light, one for orange, brown and MTT™ Pink™.

"i'm beginnin' ta think i got a _bone_ to pick with somebody..."

Cautiosly navigating the door to avoid any possible traps, Sans' first instinct was to check that Papyrus was okay. The fraternal instinct was suddenly thrust aside at what lay in the middle of the living room. It was as if Grillby had just placed it there, a perfectly cooked burger.

"oh come on. you gotta be dumb to grab that after everything else this morning."

Twenty seconds later his fleshless hands had seized it. And as his neglected instincts had warned, disrupting the plate pulled on what in hindsight was an obvious string. Two things landed on top of Sans. One was solid, a net. The next was liquid, more paste, this time blue. It added a neat aftertaste to the burger.

"NYEH-HAH!"

Papyrus stepped out from behind a conveniently shaped piece of postmodern dada-ist art and looked down at his captive.

"oh, hey bro. what's up."

"WHAT IS 'UP' IS THAT YOU'RE BLUE NOW! YOU ARE THE TRUE APRIL FOOL! NYEH HEH HEH!"

It was clicking into place for Sans. Papyrus hadn't tried anything in years, he'd been complacent, thinking he could have avoided something like this. And yet...

"heh-heh-heh. sure looks like it, pap. but, uh, just getting me dunked on with paste? feels kinda amateur-hour, don't it?"

"AH, BUT YOU HAVE YET TO REALISE THE MASTERSTROKE OF MY SCHEME!"

"an' what's that?"

"LOOK AT THE CLOCK."

Sans obeyed. Wait, that couldn't possibly be right. But if it was...

"EIGHT AM! I SNUCK INTO YOUR BEDROOM YESTERDAY EVENING AND CHANGED THE TIME ON YOUR ALARM CLOCK! I HAVE TRICKED YOU INTO GETTING UP AT A REASONABLE TIME! AND ON A SUNDAY, TOO!"

The shock made his tailbone tingle. It was impossible, and yet Papyrus had...

"...heh... heh heh... ha ha ha ha ha!"

"NYEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH!"

The brothers laughed together without restraint, Sans utterly conceding that whatever else happened, he was indeed the April Fool. They laughed so hard they didn't hear the front door unlock and open.

"Papyrus? I have procured the rubber chicken I told you about. Now before Sans wakes up we should- oh!"

"oh, 'sup tori?"

Toriel looked at the rather messy scene on the floor as the skeletons looked cheerfully at her. "You... you have played a joke on him already?"

"AH. WELL, YOU SEE, WHEN YOU SUGGESTED WE ATTEMPT TO PRANK SANS-"

"you egged him on? cool. _goat_ to hand it to ya."

"I JUST GOT SO EXCITED ABOUT DOING IT THAT I COULDN’T WAIT, AND WENT AHEAD WITH AN IDEA I HAD. I'M SORRY YOU MISSED OUT ON THE FUN, YOUR MAJESTY."

"Oh, do not worry, Papyrus," she said, smiling at the mess she was glad she would not have to clean, "it would appear you have done a stellar job in avoiding being the fool."

He beamed with pride. "INDEED! AND NOW I'VE GOTTEN THAT OUT OF MY SYSTEM, I CAN ENDURE WHATEVER HIJINX CROSS MY PATH TODAY, AND YOU CAN ENJOY THE DAY AS WELL!"

"i'm proud of ya, pap. put 'er there."

"WHY, THANK YOU-"

_pbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbt_

"heh-heh."

Toriel's raucous laughter drowned out Papyrus' groans.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think, and thanks for reading!


End file.
